“Nowadays men are looking for a bargain when finding women
They want wife services for one-night stand rates
Stellar bedroom performance for ‘no relationship’ returns
Michelin-standard gourmet meals prepared for their ‘jobless casanova’ asses
And a winning smile as he leaves for the streets to cheat
Fortunately, these women do exist
MOST ARE IN PRISON”
My best friend, Sandra, always does this. She keeps arranging these blind dates for me as if the last three weren’t traumatizing enough. On my first date, the man not only arrived an hour late but he kept forgetting my name throughout the dinner. By the end of the date, he promptly informed me that he forgot his wallet at home and absentmindedly mumbled an apology. Not surprisingly, I had to pay a fairly hefty bill since he didn’t hesitate to gorge himself on the more expensive steak and wine options that evening. My second date was just as disastrous. He arrived on time but spoke about himself for the next 2 hours. He insisted on choosing the restaurant which took forever to serve the food and the only time this man managed to take a break from kissing his own ass was when he took the liberty of choosing MY three course meal. Oh but the evening was far from over because he was quite convinced that I would invite him to mine for a nightcap. So imagine how shocked he was when I told him to sling his backside off a precipice?
Who would imagine that the last date would be any worse? It started off decent enough with light-hearted conversation, a few laughs and us discovering that we had quite a few things in common. After 10 minutes of conversation, I suddenly noticed that a woman was staring daggers at his back. I was later to discover that this woman was his mother-in-law who unfortunately chose the same restaurant to celebrate her friend’s 50th birthday. Needless to say, all hell broke loose. Not only did I find out that he was a married man but the in-law berated me for what she believed to be my blatant disregard for being a homewrecking witch. Before I had time to gather my thoughts, she was already on the phone to her daughter giving her details about our location and the arsenal of weapons that she should bring along. As I made a quick run for the door, the mother-in-law got off the phone just in time to begin her onslaught on both of us. We were no match for the salt shakers, cutlery, wine bottles and even tablecloth that she hurled in our direction. I managed to escape but my date unfortunately suffered a bread knife to the ass and a salt shaker to the head.
By the time my best friend rung me to get an update, I pretty much told her that it was only a matter of time before I actually killed her and buried her body in an unmarked grave.
I heard nothing about blind dates for the next 3 months…….